Tumbling Thermals

Sat at the therapy room desk facing the window. The scent of grapefruit and lavender oil burning. My kindred spirit in the sky performing triple back flips as I smile with joy. Every time that bird flies it lights me up inside. He’s called a tumbler pidgeon and his flight is the most spectacular thing. Google them. They are joy in the air!

He reminds me that the impossible is possible. My most cherished story of this was several years ago when I spent a weekend with a world famous spiritually intuitive teacher.

It was the end of the training and the final challenge was to stand ‘on stage’ and speak what you sense for people in the group. I dived in. It might be my only chance to experience this in my life. Would I fall or would I catch invisible thermals. I had no idea but I wanted to know. It was worth the risk.

I closed my eyes as the whole room had theirs on me. I listened and heard “Sam”. I heard it over and over but the energy kept flicking.. one minute it felt like a man, then a child, then a dog. I thought I’d lost it?! I shook my head to clear it and the teacher said “just say what you sense”. I spoke it out and he said ” that’s for me. My cousin, dad and dog was called Sam”. A date shot into my head. He said “that’s the date my cousin Sam died”. I was flying. The energy changed and I was looking down on a scene of a bedroom from above. I described the room, the child, his likes and how he felt, his age.. the teacher said “that was me as a child”. I then heard words of guidance, an older presence..I thought to myself that it felt like his dad.. the teacher said “my dad used to say that”. I went higher..twisting and turning and then sensed another energy. It advised against him jumping into what he is trying to jump into, he’ll get in a big mess, rather take steps, like stepping stones. The teacher said he understood. Finally I heard one word “witness”. The teacher asked what does that mean? I dug a little deeper and the words appeared from the depths “you will become what you see, what you witness. You will be what you see and see what you will be”. He told me i’d described a poem he’d chosen the night before to end this course. As he shared the poem it was about spending your whole life inside a dark ship. One day you find a door and discover the deck and see the sky for the first time. You witness the glory of night and stars. You witness the glory and become what you see.

As I opened my eyes he said “you had white light all around you. Not usual”. I felt like I’d connected with energy and frequencies so fast and pure that I didn’t know my own energy anymore. I was ‘high’ and couldn’t imagine ever feeling tired again.. ever. A taste of the other realms perhaps xx

It took 2 days for that energy to leave. I’d never felt so good. It only ended because my teacher/sister/friend felt to do reiki on me and slowed me down. As I got off the reiki table I actually felt travel sick. She told me she’s slowed me down. “Why?!” I wailed! “I may never get it back!” But I knew in my heart that you have to walk your way there. I’d slipped in the back door and probably couldn’t contain it for long.

So when I watch my bird friend soar and do impossible tumbles, I smile thinking ‘I know how that feels’ xx

The last day..

Awoke to yet more snow. The bare trees looked so beautiful with their white coats on x

And the hills in the background looked so smooth and serene. Beautiful.

After our 9am meet up on the lawn, which we do every morning and involves exercising of some comedic type, splitting into work parties and heading off to tackle the tasks at hand. Today was the shed again for me. Anna and I whacked on the tunes straight away and were dancing to everything from Bruce Springsteen (sexy voice!!!) to the Beegees to the Kings of Leon.

Somehow ending in a slow dance cheek to cheek lol lol (no photographic evidence of that!). I love that we are getting wilder and more care free every day. Yet again I neglected to wash my face this morning. It’s almost balancing out the preening of the city life I live.

Our job in the shed got completed in the last five minutes before our time this week was up! Impeccable timing!

Tea break was a detox crash.. popcorn from the night before and all sorts.. I laughed at the piety of the first few days compared to today. I’ve managed to hold onto the detox apart from a weekly total of 3 biscuits and a bit of popcorn so I’m proud!

After lunch I ran up the hill with Ady to go sledging and loved It! We both laughed so much! The guy who runs Anam Cara said I’m the first person ever, in 20 years, to ask if I can go sledging. He laughed.

High up on the hills skiding down on your bum was such a fun feeling xx didn’t want to stop but I didn’t want to miss the sound bath either. We arrived just in time to flop on the floor for an hour and have a didgeree doo played over us. I went so still and deep so quickly that I felt like I passed out lol. One minute I was on a hill in hysterics, the next I was flat out on the floor…out cold!

After dinner we gathered in the yoga room to have a goodbye ceremony. Everyone shared what this week had meant to them and I watched the sun setting over the snowy hills as we spoke. It was a gorgeous sight, and peoples words were moving. I don’t want to leave. I want to live in a place where I don’t have to wash my face and can allotment and teach yoga living in a hut in a gorgeous natural environment. It’s almost a no brainer.

I’ve loved being natural. Letting myself be seen. I want to be free like this in so many ways. Let’s see what unfolds. Love to you all xx be yourself x

My baby

Awoke to snow. A lot of it, so outdoor jobs were ruled out. We were sent off to the shed to unpack hundreds of built up plant pot cells, formerly used to house tree seedlings which they use to reforest areas in the country.

The stereo was cranked up and unpacking was interspersed with rallys of ping pong and singing along. Tess the local spaniel took a liking to me and leaned against my leg for a good half hour. Her lovely body brought me a bit of extra warmth. I love animals. Looking down into her chocolate brown eyes made me melt inside. How do they do that xx

I found a stray sledge or two and vowed to go sledging. The guy who runs the place promised to show me a good hill..

Today was lunch duty so sledging would have to wait til the afternoon. I loved the session in the shed.. singing along.. all freezing together.. grateful for the 11am tea break where we squish as many bums onto one sofa as possible and talk rubbish loudly. The first tea break we had the new guy who arrived a day late didn’t realise we were on a detox week and brought an Easter egg for us all. You have never seen a detox abandoned quicker or an egg devoured faster than that one egg passed around our toxin starved group lol.

Making lunch was beautiful. Anna whacked on her tunes and we sang along..tearing up in all the right places and singing really loud at the right bits “whoah.. livin on a prayer..” The food came out top notch and detox worthy. A fat cosy soup with my zesty creamy salads..

After lunch came Beckys yoga nidra session. I decided the sledging could wait a tiny bit longer to get a nidra sesh in. It was beautiful. Seeds were sown. Affirmations planted. At the end we all picked a saying from her bucket. Mine was..

Perfect for my inner child who was dying to sledge lol..

However after yoga my friend had offered a Thai massage and since the days here were running out I dove into that. It was beautiful. The room was heated by a little fire and her massage bed was laid in the floor like a futon. She kneeded my meridian lines and at times I was laughing from the tickles and little releases of energy. At other times tears streamed. It was so unexpected. I heard a voice in my head say ‘take care of my baby. You’ll always be my baby ‘.. It felt like mum talking about me. It got me really deep in my gut. That night we had a film night and a scene in the film said ‘when you have children they will always be your baby’. I couldn’t believe it! Ha ha. What’s the chances! I’d also heard a two word sentence in the massage, that made no sense to me. When I told my friend she smiled and said she’d been pondering those exact two words for the past two days. We felt linked x I’m going to investigate those two words for myself.

The film night was gorgeous.. all piled into a cosy room with a projector and popcorn (communal detox went out the window again lol). It was called ‘the way’ about a man whose son died doing a pilgrimage, so the father took his son’s ashes on the pilgrimage and completed it for him. He made unlikely but loyal friends along the way. It felt like us. Temporary travellers thrown together, haphazard and bonding nicely. We sat with tea and chatted about not a lot til bedtime. Another delicious day and I’ve loved every minute. I don’t want to go home! Walking from lovely experience to lovely experience.. a few challenges.. but then more lovely experiences to follow x it’s like living a dream xx

Allotment on a hill

Last night at Anam Cara retreat we did a ceremonial sauna by the woods. Blazing heat followed by standing under the stars having freezing cold well water thrown over you. A wild experience that left me screaming, gasping for air and laughing insanely, followed by utter peace. Bare skin in moonlight by the trees. Not feeling the cold after the well water. Utter stillness. No layers. Just me. Stunning. We shared songs, poems and prayers. Heartfelt stories. Dismantled the protective layers.

Awoke to snow and realised that the cold water the night before really was cold Lol! No snuggling up with tea to make up for the wild night before. We had to put wellies on and brave the snow. Led to their hilltop allotment we dug and shifted and planted together. Two ducks hovered by our hands, hoping for worms, making us smile at their cheeky lack of fear. Adorable. When we got too numb we stood by the bonfire which claimed a bit of most of us. Over lunch we compared singed fringes, eyebrows and lashes lol.

After lunch an intention setting workshop was held. We sealed our intention with a sketch

My intention was to surrender as deeply as I can. To let go as profoundly as I dare. I drew a rainbow bird in the inky night. Black for the unknown. I love darkness. The only light being the guiding stars and moon. You can only fly if you let go of the edge and catch the thermals. Surrender x

On to cook dinner with Bob, Anna and James. They were fed up of curries and stews so decided on chips, burger and coleslaw. All vegan gluten free. Comfort food! Cooking for 18 with a gas bottle stove is a brave move at the best of times, but doing recipes unknown was out there with the high risk stakes! 18 hungry people waiting for their dinner is not a force to meddle with. We pulled it off and threw in an apple and blackcurrant crumble with homemade custard to boot. Winner! They loved it. We grinned stupidly. Proud moment 🙂

Crumble about to go into the oven..

Here’s the well fed crew x not a scrap left!

Loved today. Loved the allotment. The sketching. Talking. Cooking. Bonding. Feeling so happy xx

The Stones and the Well

My friend who lives here at Anam Cara retreat urged me to walk to the ancient stone circle. Near there is a hidden sacred well, also ancient. She warned me the well is hard to find but she felt I needed to be with it for some reason.

I set off with hazy directions and the stones were lovely..

The well was nowhere to be found. Beautiful walks through lichen filled mossy forests just soothed the soul, mind, body.. I felt my insides falling and slotting into place after months of scratchy rushing around..

We found a loch in the middle of the woods..

It was a beautiful feeling being so high up yet enfolded by nurturing trees xx

Snow capped mountains peeked into view as the trees parted.. It was stunning..

Winding paths lined with old stone walls revealed tiny furry caterpillars and intricate bird nests..

After hours of walking who should we meet? My friend! She was as amazed as I was. And where did our paths cross? Exactly at the spot of the hidden sacred well. No word of a lie! I was meant to be with it and would never have found it alone..

Settled down now to read about working with earth energies.. mysterious how a well can summon you..

The land here is beautiful and wild. A heart opening place. This is the earth lodge on the retreat…

I have been invited to teach yoga in there if I feel to. What a space! Stone walls and a real fire. Like an earth womb. A birthing place. The actual yoga room is so different but equally beautiful. It is floor to ceiling glass and high on a hill. Warmed by fire also. Gorgeous. I’ll try doing yoga in both spaces x see how it feels. So much to feel here.

Willow woven fences protect herb gardens used for medicinal and magical purposes

This is the sauna and there is a sweat lodge I haven’t captured… so much more than I’ve shown here.. there’s a big pond here to sit and gaze at..

So there’s a meander through the feel of this morning. I wonder where this will all lead? I can feel my insides shifting and stretching to take in the beauty, the love, the wild magic x I feel romanced by this moment, this place..held x

Anam Cara

Normally I know what to say before I venture onto here. This time I am blank…quite amazed I think. It’s the smiles that don’t lie. How can they look so Happy, down to their bones Happy? It’s puzzling my brain which is used to seeing people grinning and bearing a lot of life. A very different kind of a smile!

I’m on retreat in Inverness at a place called Anam Cara. It’s all eco built from scratch and not run for a profit. 8 acres of land high on a hillside. Stunning.

Last night there was a fire at one of the volunteers hobbit like houses. She’s lived here 8 years, only came for a course and just stayed. They built her house out of a whisky barrel tucked up high on a hill.

She’s leaving today for a new life, but last night she sang and celebrated round the fire. Handed out hemp milk spicy hot chocolate and we sang and talked from our hearts. It was her face I couldn’t peel my eyes from. She looked so happy. Raw, wild, free, real. She spoke and sang and celebrated like she knew us intimately. All the crew here did. Where were their barriers? It was stunning. As stunning as the sea of lights in front of us from Inverness. A part of me..the firefly part..whispered ‘you need this.. the real people… the raw inner light.. the wildness… you’re not made for a city and straight jacket ways.. tight smiles and politeness.. why not just dive in?’

Dive in where, how and into what? I’m not sure, but a spark has been ignited by a smile xx

Mountain

I see a long and winding road of meditation to follow. Long and deep. Taking me to crevices that call me to ‘let go of my life’ before I can go on.

I remember the days of deep trembling, when I held those meditation books, like portals to wild places. I felt a blast of icy mountain air on my face as I turned their pages. Cold, fresh, unfamiliar, wild and spacious. Not completely comfortable. .and yet.. and yet my warm rooms were closing on on me. 

I can feel the inner mountain calling to me. Yoga is part of the journey. The archetypal images it paints with my body. My mountain pose. My inner child. The warriors bow and the cosmic dancer. So beautiful. It weaves a prayer of destiny with each intentional asana. Each one a silent body prayer. Sometimes I throw them out like mindless babble. Other times words could never express what my body yearns to express in this way x

The glass bird soul

My life is an unusual one. I feel everything. In hypnotherapy college I was tested and called an extremely right brained kinesthetic. .one who who feels her way through life. It can make for a strange inner world at times. I like it but I can appear odd or stupid, something I have struggled with all of my life.

The perks are the magic. I feel my way into so many synchronicities that people marvel. I truly believe that I am not alone..but that’s a story for another day. Today’s is about fear.

I have a beautiful life when I am awake but when I dream I’m faced with my deepest fears. I wake up wrung out and exhausted. Today I read ‘face your deepest fears, admit them and surrender them to source’ but where do I start to know what I’ve deeply repressed..here’s how..

Sat on my bean bag in the therapy room, staring at the sky which is painting pinks so soft and warm that my soul feels those colours. If my soul had bones I would feel those colours in there. Suddenly I ‘feel’ my suitcase of old journals. .The second one of three. I open it and am dragged to the tatty spiral flip pad..The ugly one. As I touch it my heart hurts..really hurts. What am I being drawn to? I can feel it before I’ve read a word.  I get that a lot.

Pages are randomly opened to near the back. 7th Dec 2012. “Panic is my most feared emotion” it reads. One of my deepest fears. Wow. So here I am being led to a moment of clarity I had once immortalised into words.

I was speaking of the first and possibly last time I’d ever had a true attack of panic. I’ll read you the words.

‘Mown down by the biggest wave of circumstances. Like you are facing the end of your life because someone has shut you in a small box within which you can hardly move and from which you can never escape. Alive yet unable to live and unable to die. Hell.  Trapped..and it feels like it will be like this forever. 

I learnt to avoid these circumstances by being super cautious.

I was sent to the hospital to investigate a lump my doctor was concerned about. The specialist I saw was so dismissive. I was nowhere near reassured and he cast me aside so easily into the realm of ‘you’re probably too young for this to be serious’.

I’d been so careful, going to see him with my precious life in my hands like a tiny glass bird, and he tossed it, assuming he would have an accurate aim because he is ‘one of the best’. He threw my whole life.

That’s how it felt and my heart went into seizure.  My tea wouldn’t stay in its cup in the cafe afterwards and I looked down in wonder at what was happening to my hands. I felt detached and couldn’t feel much but my friend knew. He said ‘”you’re having a panic attack”. Really? I didn’t even feel like I was in my body, never mind making it have these seismic shifts. 

I remember holding a real baby bird in my hands once. It had fell out of its nest and not been retrieved.  It used to snuggle into my hand and fall asleep.  Sometimes it wouldn’t sleep unless it had touch so I’d fall asleep with it in my hand.  The things you do when something tiny and vulnerable is open to you. 

I love remembering these times. Holding the hand of my younger self and knowing that the worst moments were not the end. That moment was the straw that broke the camels back. The bits before were the devastating bits. The panic only grew because of the huge platelets that had shifted in my world to create that void from which panic could emerge.

I now know I can stand in mountain pose, being that steady rooted mountain, holding the hand of my glass bird soul and breathe. When you are still, deep, rooted and breathe, you can truly face your deepest fears as they roar in your face, acknowledge them and surrender them.. falling into child’s pose..being that tiny bird in Sources hand. 

Beginners Mind

Yesterday I realised I had judged someone I knew nothing about. I was vastly wrong in my interpretation. I love it when I’m wrong..It makes the whole world so much bigger than I’d thought. 

I was sat in Costa waiting for my yoga teacher training to start.  In walked an old man who didn’t buy a drink but talked incessantly to the server. He turned to me and started talking. I thought ‘oh no. I’m too tired for crazy right now’ so I looked down. Unperturbed he went to the girl near me and started asking her about herself. I felt sorry for her invasion and got up for a loo quick exit. Before I managed to shoot off he asked me about my coloured pens on the table. He liked them and where did I get them from?  I assumed he wasn’t really interested and just wanted to talk so mumbled something about not remembering and I bought them years ago and galloped for the privacy of the loo. One of my pet hates is people talking at me, not because they want an exchange of knowing each other but just because they want to ‘blah’ all over you.. blah blah blah. 

As I came back a new man had arrived and the old guy was busy finding out who he was and why he was there.  I was genuinely fascinated by the interaction. The guys story was really interesting.  I had a vague inkling that maybe this old guy was onto something. Maybe we should ask more questions and be more interested with strangers you will never meet again. Anyway.. I felt I’d got off lightly with the interogation.

The old guy had ran out of people to interview and so settled to a table near the door and sat in silence.  Bliss. A half hour meditation on the words ‘be still’ and ‘know god’ and it felt like I was lit up inside like Blackpool pier. Be still felt like my roots were going so deep into the earth, into my self, existence, like a tree that would sway through storms but withstand all. Know God was like being filled with the fullness of life..bursting out as love, healing, synchronicity. Awesome. Like the most incredible dream!

As I floated out I noticed the old man was drawing. He also had a multicoloured set of pens.  He had meditated on life and god and written it in his journal with pictures just like I’d just done…at the same time I was.

My feet stopped. My mouth opened. I addressed him. I was amazed at myself, like throwing myself into the spiders web. My words said “that’s beautiful.  What does it mean?” He said it was about divine love. The qualities it evokes in us as humans when we let love pour through us. My eyes teared up. I realised he wasn’t trying to take from others but to give them his interest and time. He’d written some words in Hebrew or ancient Greek like a true scholar, yet he couldn’t afford a drink. My heart asked him ” who are you and why are you here?” Just like he had done with everyone except me because I hadn’t let him. I hadn’t let him love me. My lips never moved as I couldn’t be late for class but my heart was changed.

He let me take his photo. In true loving style he asked my name as he looked into my eyes and waited for my response. His was Michael. He only told me that once I’d asked for it. No ‘blah’ting it on me at all.

We were the same yet different. Lovers of love. His artwork allowed me a glimpse of his soul. It’s because of him that I decided to blog today. It’s such a beautiful thing to open the doors of your heart and let others look.

My lesson is to keep a beginners mind with others and be amazed.

This is the card I meditated on..

Here is his work. Michael the lover of love. 

Bowing Meditation Explained: Calming your Mind, Strengthening Your Body

Dahn Yoga Voice

For thousands of years, Asian cultures, such as that of Korea, have used bow meditation and other prostration exercises as part of their spiritual and physical practices. They were performed both as a preparation for sitting meditation, and as a meditation in their own right. Bow meditation was neither used as a form of worship, nor as a form of self-punishment. Practitioners did not bow down to anything exterior. Rather, they bowed in humble acceptance and deference to their own highest nature.

As Dahn Yoga founder Ilchi Lee wrote in his book Human Technology, “Bowing is one of the most humble

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